Not for the Faint of Heart

Do not watch this video...

1. if you you are sensitive to acts of unspeakable cruelty involving small and medium-sized animals.

2. if you were born in Buffalo or Troy, NY.

3. if either of your parents were Jehovah Witnesses.

4. if you watch Fox to get your daily new (loser!).

5. if sexual innuendo involving marine life frightens you.

6. if you live west of the Hudson River and east of the Garden State Parkway.

7. if anyone you work with has ever compared your appearance to either a goat or a satyr.

8. if you think Joyce's Ulysses is super-cool.

9. if you say pop instead of soda.

10. if you've ever had your hair pulled or your knuckles wrapped by a nun in the fourth grade.

Don't say that we didn't warn you.

The Dwarf

Of James Joyce's Balls...Or Lack Thereof

She says James Joyce
has no balls,
but does that make him
any less of a writer???
No!
Indubitably,
categorically,
quantitatively
NOT.

The fact that
the old bugger
couldn't tell
a decent story
to save his sorry life,
now that would seem to be
the crux of the problem,
and not,
most definitely not,
his testicular inadequacies.

Erica Jong
had no balls either
(or so I have been told)
and Norman Mailer
had only one
(where the other one went
nobody knows),
but they could spin
some mighty fine yarns
when the mood struck them
for the pleasure of the masses
and to secure their place
in the pantheon
of literary giants.

To your missing balls,
we sing in praise,
oh illustrious James Joyce!
Balls forever gone,
never to return
in this life,
or in the next.

A Whimsical Song about Frolicking

(A bouncy tune in C Major with oompah tubah, banjo, stride piano, and brush snare drum.)


ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic on the ceiling!
Frolic on the floor!
Frolic down the hallway!
Frolic out the door!

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic in the front yard!
Frolic in the streets!
Frolic with your elbows!
Frolic with your feets!

Bridge

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic in the Summer,
Frolic in the Spring,
Frolic through the seasons
Just shake your frolic thing!

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic one and all!

repeat chorus ad nauseum and fade

On the Sad But Invitable Demise of English in an Age of Revolution and the Evolution of Alternative Modes of Expression

silli englush babies,
dont you know dat

when de revolution koms

dere wont be no koncern

bout ding, dang

danglin participles

or scati split infinituves

???

dems just yesterday's

sorri lunch menu -

moldy olive loaf on

stale wonda bread,

eatun by fashitikal komisars

of putrid englush speachafyin.

sweet englush babies,

get out of your steryle old

kublicals and embrace

the wisdum of the dwarf...

dem rules you luv so much,

dey be made fur breakin

n life be made fur livin'

n pints be made fur drinkin'

n chips be made fur dippin'

and now a luv poem...

tra la li

tra la loo

damian's poems

are a lot like poo.

tra la li

tra la leff

i'm still waitin'

to be amused by jeff.

Free Toilet Paper for Everyone!!!

Remember Wroclaw?
Tactical Frivolity!
Put on your dwarf hats!

Warning

So, you have ignored the invitation of the grand master of the high order of the orange alternative?

Do you really think the invitation can be ignored? And for how long? And at what cost?

You have been chosen to amuse, and to provoke, and to subvert.

Now get going!

The dwarf has spoken and he will not speak again (ok, he is actually a gnome, but that doesn't really matter).

ARMAGEDDON

Bottom-line corporate fashitical-ism
Vapid, lollipop-licking pop psycholog-ism
Autocratic, autodafetic criminal clericalism
Dumb-ass, redneck reaction-ism
Pretentious, pseudo-intellectual Upper-Eastside snob-ism
Cover-up-verything-but-the-eyes islamoabsud-ism
Rightwing, blowhard, Limbaugh-loving conserva-tism
Throw the fucking baby out with the bathwater anti-abortionism
Shrill, uptight “this shit is all your fault” frantic femo-nism
Mamby-pamby post-60s liberal-ism
The-next-fad-is-really-it technolo-gism
Edubabbling, race-to-the-bottom educational bureaucra-tism
Poor excuse for jis'm jis-'m

Does anybody read Tolstoy any more?
Does anybody chat with his dear auntie in Bayone any more?
Does anybody bowl with his moronic buddies after work any more?
Does anybody piss away his sorrows in the moonlight any more?
Does anybody cry for Wall Street any more?
Does anybody even know that Mory Zucherman is dead?
Does anybody even care that Mory Zucherman is dead?

Armageddon is coming, but he won’t be dressed in plaid.
Armageddon is coming, but he won’t be eating any canapés.
Armageddon is coming, but he won’t be bringing a date this time.
Armageddon is coming, but he’s not happy to be missing the Superbowl.
Armageddon is coming, but he’s changed his name to Norbert Dresner.
Armageddon is coming, but first he has to stop off to pick up his dry cleaning.

Mombo Italiano.
Joey Ramarez is a lousy cock-sucker.
You never know till you know.
I would hate you, if I didn’t love you so much.
She’s not fat, she’s generously proportioned.
Post-ejaculatory distress.
The good ones never win on “Dancing with the Stars.”
Are they real or are they fake?
They’ve gotta be fake.
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Sara Palin is a real American icon.

Here's What I Have to Say about All of This!

Boogers!

Boogers, boogers, boogers!
Boogers, boogers, boogers, boogers!
Boogers, boogers, boogers!

BOOGERS!

And Another Thing, While I'm At It!!!

Balls!

Balls, balls, balls!

Bally, bally, bally, balls!

Ballsie, ballsie, ballsie, ballsie, balls!

Big balls!Small balls!

All kinds of balls!

Hard balls!

Soft Balls!

Base Balls!

Foot Balls!

BALLS!!!

You heard me, you bourgeois, hegemonic, false-consciousness stuffed shirts!BAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLS!!!!!

You heard me, you artsy-fartsy, alternative poseurs and wearers of smelly perfume!BAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLS!!!!!

BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!

Carnal Pleasures

...and the dwarves shall rule the earth

Why the fuck shouldn't they? Is there any wrong with dwarves? Size, after all, is no determimator of potency (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!).

I happen to dig dwarves. You can fit them easily into your luggage. They look fabulous in crushed velvet. And they have cute little button noses (well, some of them, anyway).

I say, let the damn dwarves run the whole stinking show. They couldn't do any worse than the high priests of Yama, who sacrifice young virgins on the altar of cosmic pomposity (Not that I have anything against human sacrifice, mind you. It all depends upon who is being sacrificed).

Yes, the dwarves shall rule the earth and all the institutions of higher education within in it. And the petty bureaucrats shall disappear competely from the earth...like Danish Modern furniture and mood rings.