Not for the Faint of Heart

Do not watch this video...

1. if you you are sensitive to acts of unspeakable cruelty involving small and medium-sized animals.

2. if you were born in Buffalo or Troy, NY.

3. if either of your parents were Jehovah Witnesses.

4. if you watch Fox to get your daily new (loser!).

5. if sexual innuendo involving marine life frightens you.

6. if you live west of the Hudson River and east of the Garden State Parkway.

7. if anyone you work with has ever compared your appearance to either a goat or a satyr.

8. if you think Joyce's Ulysses is super-cool.

9. if you say pop instead of soda.

10. if you've ever had your hair pulled or your knuckles wrapped by a nun in the fourth grade.

Don't say that we didn't warn you.

The Dwarf

Of James Joyce's Balls...Or Lack Thereof

She says James Joyce
has no balls,
but does that make him
any less of a writer???
No!
Indubitably,
categorically,
quantitatively
NOT.

The fact that
the old bugger
couldn't tell
a decent story
to save his sorry life,
now that would seem to be
the crux of the problem,
and not,
most definitely not,
his testicular inadequacies.

Erica Jong
had no balls either
(or so I have been told)
and Norman Mailer
had only one
(where the other one went
nobody knows),
but they could spin
some mighty fine yarns
when the mood struck them
for the pleasure of the masses
and to secure their place
in the pantheon
of literary giants.

To your missing balls,
we sing in praise,
oh illustrious James Joyce!
Balls forever gone,
never to return
in this life,
or in the next.

A Whimsical Song about Frolicking

(A bouncy tune in C Major with oompah tubah, banjo, stride piano, and brush snare drum.)


ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic on the ceiling!
Frolic on the floor!
Frolic down the hallway!
Frolic out the door!

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic in the front yard!
Frolic in the streets!
Frolic with your elbows!
Frolic with your feets!

Bridge

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic, one and all!

v:
Frolic in the Summer,
Frolic in the Spring,
Frolic through the seasons
Just shake your frolic thing!

ch:
Forget all your troubles,
No matter great or small!
Get yourselves together, now,
And frolic one and all!

repeat chorus ad nauseum and fade

On the Sad But Invitable Demise of English in an Age of Revolution and the Evolution of Alternative Modes of Expression

silli englush babies,
dont you know dat

when de revolution koms

dere wont be no koncern

bout ding, dang

danglin participles

or scati split infinituves

???

dems just yesterday's

sorri lunch menu -

moldy olive loaf on

stale wonda bread,

eatun by fashitikal komisars

of putrid englush speachafyin.

sweet englush babies,

get out of your steryle old

kublicals and embrace

the wisdum of the dwarf...

dem rules you luv so much,

dey be made fur breakin

n life be made fur livin'

n pints be made fur drinkin'

n chips be made fur dippin'

and now a luv poem...

tra la li

tra la loo

damian's poems

are a lot like poo.

tra la li

tra la leff

i'm still waitin'

to be amused by jeff.

Free Toilet Paper for Everyone!!!

Remember Wroclaw?
Tactical Frivolity!
Put on your dwarf hats!